The internet can be a weird place, even for me who has had it around for more than half of my life. It’s great to be so interconnected sometimes, but there are a lot of drawbacks to it as well. One of them is the “echo-chamber effect” where no matter how weird or crazy an idea is, you can find a community who agrees and supports you.
Heading to the New Year, let’s look at some of the strangest/worst fitness products that people will be purchasing in order to get healthy without doing the work of a proper diet or exercise.
5 – Knife and Fork Lift
The additional effort of bringing that forkful of spaghetti into my mouth isn’t going to come close to the added calories contained in the forkful.
For me, these also give rise to a few other questions that I guess no one asked:
Where do I store these? With my fitness equipment? These certainly won’t fit in my utensil drawer, and for that matter, do I have to hand wash these things? I mean, I guess that’s some more calories burned but that doesn’t seem very practical…
Also, as my main diet consists of sandwiches, pizza, and hamburgers, these will do nothing to curb my abhorrent eating habits!
4 – Sauna Suits
So I want the whole sweat-off-the-pounds lifestyle that saunas provide, but I don’t want to have to go to the local gym like any old chump. I might miss an episode of Walking Dead or something, and that just won’t fly.
Lucky for me, there’s the Sauna Suit.
Ignore the fact that science shows these don’t work at best or are incredibly unhealthy for you at worst. Science is just jealous of my pink vinyl body suit.
Sure, it’s a pain to clean and smells like feet (it’s a body suit designed to make you sweat!) but it’s a small price to pay for health!
3 – Master Cleanse
Well, sure the Knife and Fork Lifts help when I actually eat something but it’s just not shedding the pounds as fast as I need to meet my New Year’s Resolutions. Well then, the Master Cleanse is here to fill the void in the most delicious way possible!
So for the next 45 days, nothing will enter this body except a delightful concoction of lemon juice, maple syrup, water, and Cayenne pepper. Sure, some people (read: everyone) experience headaches, fatigue, and constipation but that’s the price you pay to remove those horrible “toxins” from your body.
What’s that? You’re asking me to define what these toxins are?
You know what they are! TOXINS, FREE RADICALS, OTHER SCARY MARKETING BUZZWORDS THAT REALLY MEAN NOTHING!
There. I hope that cleared it up for you.
2 – Sketcher’s Shape Ups
Chelsea talked about these a little bit earlier when she mentioned them losing out on a lawsuit, but that’s not going to sway me.
The awkward discomfort these shoes provide whenever I walk is just the thing I need to reach all of my fitness goals. I really need to feel like I’m making the most out of the treks from the couch to the kitchen in my sauna suit to mix another master cleanse drink.
Ha! Effort like that is for suckers without credit cards.
No, I cover myself from head to toe in Biotape. The space age conductive Mylar was once touted to help relieve pain, but the Federal Trade Commission got all high and mighty about “false claims” or something.
It’s still sold, but now it just does the chi thing, which is great because that was my issue in the first place!
Though, I gotta say if I had done all this stuff, some pain relief might actually be just what the doctor ordered…
There you have it, 5 amazing(ly bad) products to think about (avoid) when heading into this New Year’s season.